Who could love me?

I just endured a long journey in healing a broken femur-the biggest bone in your leg that is hard to heal. I'm still in recovery, but after a stupid accident on my part, my angelic mother took me to the hospital, holding my hand and crying the entire time, fearing the worst-that I wouldn't be able to walk again. Those of you that know about my family would probably think, "Well, your sister doesn't walk and she's fine". Yes, indeed, we would be prepared in case I wasn't able to walk again. But, the stress would be quite heavy, I promise you. Well, as luck would have it, it was a severe break in my right leg, but the type of break I had is actually the easiest to heal, so I'm told. But, not before I endured a week in the main hospital resting followed by 2 grueling weeks of physical and occupational therapy.

Shockingly, the pain in my leg wasn't the worst part. It was not being able to shower for awhile, having nurses, some who were my age or younger, sticking a catheter in me (I know, gross) being pricked with needles for blood, a shot that prevented blood clots that was inserted into my stomach and nurses waking me up at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning just to give me thousands of pills or to check if I was still breathing and pumping blood. You'd think a hospital would let you sleep?! When I was finally discharged, one of the first things I asked my mom was, "Will anyone ever love me?" Not just love me in general. I mean, a guy. I haven't had one relationship in my entire life. I've been on a few dates (most I can count on one hand), but I haven't had anybody who I can call my first "boyfriend", I've never experienced a breakup (Yes, some of you might call that a good thing) and I've never truly learned what I really want in a relationship because I've never experienced what I don't want. It's true, I don't want just something physical/sexual, but I want an emotional connection. However, I've experienced the pain that can come from acting out physically and sexually without the emotional component. However, it's also painful abstaining from it, without experiencing the emotional component. I've never had that fireworks, looking deep into someone's eyes and saying, "I love you."

Living in Utah where everyone gets married at a VERY young age, it's been quite torturous to go on Facebook and constantly receive wedding invitation after wedding invitation. Some people tell me, "you're lucky to be single, cause you can do whatever you want by yourself." Yes, that's nice for awhile, but I would like to know what it feels like to have a guy call me "beautiful", "smart", to have someone other than my grandma saying "I love you." I want to know what it's like to receive flowers when I have a bad day, a text saying that I'm the most important person in the world to him. If I asked somebody, "would you date someone with a disability?", what do you think the answer would be? I went out with someone that had cerebral palsy. We only went on one date, but I had a good time. It didn't matter at all that he was different. We're all different. I wish labels didn't exist. The world is a better place without them.